Our own personal jihads

Salaam alaikum,

This post was inspired by LK from "Ink Blots Blue Abayas", who always has such insightful things to say. :)

This past week has been a rough one for me mentally. I have diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)--it's a psychological disorder in which a person has obsessive, overpowering thoughts and a strong desire, even need, to perform certain ritualistic behaviors in order to alleviate these thoughts. For example, a person may have an obsessive fear of germs, so in order to avoid being "contaminated" they will wash their hands constantly, several times an hour to make sure they are "clean". Others may have obsessive fears regarding people. For instance, a person might be afraid of a loved one dying, so if they perform a certain ritual (e.g. tapping their feet a certain number of times, saying a word or a prayer a certain way, etc.) then the person won't die. If the ritual isn't done exactly right, they will have to do it over again, or else they fear that something terrible will happen if they don't do it. It's an extremely difficult disease to live with because it is so overpowering; it literally invades all aspects of one's life. To make matters worse, the sufferer almost always realizes that their thoughts are totally irrational, but they can't stop themselves.

Alhamdulillah, my OCD symptoms are relatively under control. I used to have it really bad, to the point where I could barely even leave the house because I was too embarrassed to do my rituals in public, to the point where I washed my hands so often that they became raw and bled, to the point where I would spend hours and hours each day just doing rituals and redoing them to make sure they were "perfect". Now, thanks to therapy and medication, almost all my symptoms are gone. However, OCD is a lifelong condition, so I am still prone to flare ups, especially if I don't take my medicine.

Last week, I had a bad flare up. Every OCD sufferer has different symptoms; mine makes me very prone to waswasa, or whisperings from Shaytan. I get overpowering doubts about everything in Islam, even doubts about the existance of ALLAH, Astaghfirullah. No matter how much I convince myself that I do, in fact, believe in ALLAH and Islam, and that these are merely waswasa, I can't be convinced. I seriously could not stop having these blasphemous thoughts. Needless to say, they were deeply disturbing and distressing, arguably the worst feeling in the world. Alhamdulillah, within the past couple days I have gotten much better, and the waswasa have become less and less frequent.

I feel that these waswasa are my personal jihad. Everyone's personal jihads are different; for some people it may be hijab, for others it may be praying on time, for others it may be avoiding gossip or being rude to people. I think that they are a test from ALLAH to see how strong and steadfast I am in my faith; as difficult and convincing as these waswasa are, I try my hardest not to give in to them. If I had one wish, it would be that these waswasa would never happen again, and that I could remain strong in taqwa and iman forever. However, Insha'Allah, I will get more reward for having strong doubts yet remaining steadfast in Islam nevertheless.

Do you have a "personal jihad" that you struggle with? If you feel comfortable sharing, please feel free to. Insha'Allah it may give others encouragement and the strength to overcome them, and to realize that they are tests from ALLAH.