Hard Times

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu everyone!

My semester finished yesterday Alhamdulillah, and for a while I am FREEEEE to just chill out, watch bad television, do stupid stuff with my friend Tiffanie, and have access to a car. :)

It's been a while since I've posted, and it's been for a couple reasons. First, this semester has been really busy, and unfortunately after finishing my work I decided I'd rather watch "Top Chef" than write a thoughtful blog post.

Secondly, and more seriously, I've been going through some rough personal times. As I've mentioned before, I have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and depression. OCD manifests itself in a lot of different ways, but most people get insinuating, extremely disturbing "bad thoughts" in their minds and feel like the only way they can get rid of them, or prevent something "bad" from happening, is by doing a compulsive behavior. For example, a person might get it in their mind that someone in their family is going to die, and the only way they can prevent this is by washing their hands so many number of times per hour; if they don't carry out this ritual exactly "right", then they have to repeat it or else they feel like they will be responsible for their relative's death. I have had several "types" of OCD, but my main one is called scrupulosity, where the obsessive thoughts and compulsions are related to religion. In the past, I used to be terrified that there would be a plane crash (this was after 9/11), so I felt the need to stop and say a specific prayer every time I heard a plane overhead (and we live right near an airport, so it happened often). I also used to have sexual-related thoughts about religious figures. Alhamdulillah, even though OCD can't be cured, it can be treated with medication and therapy, which is what I've been doing for the past few years.

For years now, I've been doing so much better Alhamdulillah. The medicine was really working, and almost all of my symptoms were gone. I was feeling so good that I decided that maybe I had "grown out" of my OCD and therefore didn't need to take my meds anymore. I went for a few months without taking them, and then suddenly, a few days before Eid al-Adha, OCD came back and knocked me over.

It started out with me having questions about the position of slavery in Islam. I was really upset that it is technically allowed in the Qur'an, despite having limits on it and the fact that it has for the most part died out among Muslims. I read so many different articles about it to try and calm me down, but little helped. This stretched until the day of Eid, and I was really upset that these feelings were ruining the holiday. In the middle of the day, they suddenly went away. I was very happy and ready to enjoy my Eid plans. Later that day, though, right before the big Eid dinner at my school, a humongous wave of doubt flooded me, doubts about ALLAH and whether or not He is real (Astaghfirullah). Seriously, they came out of nowhere. I tried and tried to convince myself that this was nonsense, that I really am a believer, but I just couldn't shake off the doubts. These overwhelming doubts literally consumed me for days on end, to the point where I could barely eat and sleep because I was so upset. These thoughts terrified me; how could I go from being a good Muslim one day to having such thoughts of kufr the next? Alhamdulillah, I didn't give up any of my Islamic duties (prayer, wearing hijab, etc.), but I was getting no benefit from them. The hopelessness and despair I felt were truly dreadful, something I would never, ever wish on anyone. It was so bad that I wished that I would die rather than to have to suffer through this (NOTE: I am NOT suicidal and never have been, and will never consider it. It is prohibited in Islam, and I feel like it doesn't solve any problems and just causes more grief for your loved ones.)

I knew that this was most likely due to my OCD and the fact that I hadn't taken my medication in months (stupid, stupid, stupid). I immediately started taking my meds again and haven't missed a day since. Unfortunately, this medication takes at least three weeks, if not more, before it kicks in, so I had to deal with these awful thoughts for a while. Alhamdulillah, I have gotten much better; I think the medicine is really working. The evil thoughts haven't totally gone away, but they are less frequent, and I am able to distract myself/ignore them better when they do occur.

The thing that was most terrifying was that I thought I was losing my faith. I thought that I would come to the realization that I didn't want to be Muslim anymore and would abandon my life for a new, non-religious one. But despite having these pervasive thoughts, I didn't WANT to be a kafir (not a non-Muslim, but an actual kafir, one who knows the Truth and willingly rejects it). I wanted, and still want, to be a Muslim. I had absolutely no intention of or desire to leave Islam, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I didn't and don't want these terrible doubts, and I would do anything to ensure that I remain faithful forever. I decided that maybe I needed to take another approach to my faith.

There was an article posted on Seeker's Guidance about the need for balancing one's head and heart in Islam. One cannot be a blind follower/only follow their heart, but one also mustn't only rely on what seems logical (following their brains). There are so many things we can't sense because our bodies are limited, and just because we can't sense things doesn't mean they're not there. This is where the heart comes in. I'm not explaining it very well, but the article is lovely and definitely worth reading.

I think it's definitely hard to be a believer, any kind of believer, in this day and age where people demand physical proof of everything. If one can't provide it, it's rejected as being "fake" or "stupid". I never used to fall into this trap, but after my OCD relapse I have unfortunately started thinking like this. In my case, I think it's a combination of waswasa (whispers from Shaytan who is trying to get me to lose faith) and OCD and depression, which are legitimate medical conditions. I think stress adds to it, too; I've been taking final exams the past few days, and the bad thoughts are starting to sprout up again.

Iman is so precious, and so fragile. You may feel like the best believer one day, and completely doubtful the next. I never thought that this would happen since I've always had very strong faith, but it has, and I can't deny it. I read (I think in the Seeker's Guidance article) about a saying (maybe a hadith) that says that iman wears out just like clothing does, and one needs to continuously renew it and ask ALLAH to keep them guided. Be grateful that you have this iman, even if it's just a little bit, and don't forget to nourish it and keep it healthy!

Alhamdulillah, I'm still a Muslim. I'm still praying, still fasting, still wearing hijab, still eating halal, still seeking out knowledge. But I am going through a difficult time, just as many people go through waxing and waning in their faith (although mine is compounded by the OCD and depression). Please make du'a for me that all this blows over as soon as possible. It's definitely a jihad that I'm experiencing, and it's a tough battle. Insha'Allah, this will all be behind me soon and I can take joy in my renewed iman, Ameen!

"O Controller of the hearts, make my heart steadfast in Your Religion."