So what's YOUR struggle?

Salaam alaikum,

So for the past week I've been off from college on Christmas break. Alhamdulillah, it's always nice to get some rest and not have to worry about deadlines and putting effort into things. :)

It's always nice to come home and see my family and friends, to stuff my face with food whenever I want, to sleep late, to have my parents pay for things. As great as this all is, there are some things I really can't stand about being at home, enough so that I sometimes wish that I didn't ever have to come home. These all have to do with me being a Muslim.

At school, I pray all five prayers (and some sunnah prayers) on time. I can fast whenever I'm able. I wear hijab and am slowly but surely incorporating jilbab into my wardrobe. I read and listen to Qur'an. I attend the masjid at least once a week. I hang out with primarily other Muslim ladies at my college. I eat only dhabiha and kosher meats, and I avoid alcohol. I liberally pepper my conversations with the phrases "Alhamdulillah", "Masha'Allah", "Subhanallah", "Astaghfirullah", "Insha'Allah", etc. I am openly Muslim and I am proud.

At home, I can do none of these things.

The hardest thing to do by far is keep up with my prayers. Alhamdulillah, I have been able to keep all five prayers and pray them on time (except for when I forget to wake up for fajr and have to pray it late, Astaghfirullah). However, this is definitely no walk in the park. The only place in the house where I have some privacy is in my room, so when it comes time to pray I have to close my door. Even so, my parents interrupt me while I'm in prayer SO often, either by calling me or by knocking on my door. I have no choice but to answer them, because if I didn't they would barge into my room to see what was up and they would catch me praying, and the jig would be up. Then I have to start the prayer all over again, which is so frustrating. To avoid being interrupted numerous times, I have taken to praying the prayers as quickly as possible without leaving anything out. This is definitely not a good way to pray; it loses almost all of its specialness and opportunity to connect with ALLAH, and instead is reduced to a duty that I have to do. Astaghfirullah, I hate that it has to be like this, but I just can't risk my parents catching me in prayer.

When I was home during the summer, Ramadan began. I wouldn't be able to return to school until Ramadan was already half over, meaning that I would have to somehow hide the fact that I was fasting for two weeks. Alhamdulillah, I had a full time job, so I was able to be away from home for most of the day; when I got home it was usually almost time for maghrib, so I was fine. There was one time, though, when I didn't have work and my mom was having a dinner party during the day, so I actually had to put food in my mouth and then discreetly spit it out (I think I ended up swallowing some food despite my efforts). Alhamdulillah, I got through it, but I am NOT looking forward to this year's Ramadan, when it will start even earlier in the summer and I will be home for almost all of it. Needless to say, I will not be able to fast tomorrow in honor of Ashura.

Hijab is totally out of the question here at home. One of the things my mom dislikes most about Islam is the way Muslim women dress, because it is "oppressive" and "chauvinist". I have a hijab with me that I wear for salat, and whenever I leave the house without my family or any chance of them seeing me I wear it. It literally makes me sad, though, when I'm out with them and I see a Muslim family and I can't say salaam to them, and they won't even know that I'm Muslim.

My parents don't buy halal or kosher meat, and they put alcohol in a lot of their dishes. I can't not eat the food because they will become suspicious. I don't have as much of a problem eating non-dhabiha meats (I didn't start eating exclusively dhabiha until a few months ago), but I feel just awful eating foods that I know have alcohol in them. I try to eat as little of it as possible and then pray for forgiveness afterwards.

Alhamdulillah, about a week ago I was out by myself, and I was able to sneak a trip to the local masjid and pray asr there. It felt so good to be among other Muslims again, although it was a little weird since I was not only the only white person there but also the only one wearing jeans.

Wow, I just read over this and it totally sounds like a major "bitchfest". I really don't mean to complain, but sometimes I just get so frustrated. Astaghfirullah that I am not able to practice Islam as well as I would like to, and Astaghfirullah that I feel like I have to lie to my parents. I will be so relieved when the time comes where I can tell them about my new life and be proud of it, and Insha'Allah they will not be hostile; maybe they will even be inspired enough to explore Islam for themselves and accept it (ALLAHu Alim).

Do any of you, especially the converts out there, have any issues in practicing your religion in front of your family?