Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu,
I was reading a blog today talking about "closeted Muslims", or Muslims who hide their faith from people for whatever reason. I wrote about how I am one, and someone commented that I am lacking integrity and respect for hiding from my parents, as well as doing the wrong thing by not telling them because I am afraid that they will stop paying for my education. This got me thinking a lot about my situation.
I really do respect my parents. Masha'Allah, they are such good, kind people. I have always been the type who would do anything to please them, and I am crushed when I do something that disappoints them. I know that telling them I am Muslim would be the ultimate disappointment for them, and I don't know how I would be able to handle that shame that I would feel afterwards.
Am I a bad person for hiding from them? Is it bad that I don't want to tell them for such a selfish reason as paying for school? In some ways, I do feel very guilty for hiding from them. So guilty. Islam says that lying is haraam, and aren't I basically living one big lie by doing this?
I realized that in a lot of my posts I talk very negatively about my parents. This is wrong. They are my parents, and they deserve my love and respect. When I think about it, they are so against me becoming Muslim because they are worried about me. With all the negative portrayals of Islam and Muslims these days, they probably feel that they are protecting me from harm by opposing my interest in Islam. They are just doing what they think is best for me, not to be mean or controlling. From now on, Insha'Allah, I will not complain about my parents here or put them in a bad light; it's just not right to do so. Astaghfirullah, may ALLAH forgive me for being unkind, and may He help me always be kind and respectful to them, Ameen.
I have a lot to think about with this. It was hard to read these things, but sometimes the truth hurts. I really need to examine my situation because I just don't feel right leading a double life and lying so much to my parents. If they get angry, they get angry. If they really do decide to stop paying for school, then so be it. I'm sure there are other ways to pay for it. Anyway, ALLAH is the Best of Providers. I need to stop being a chicken and grow up and face my fears. I feel like it's only fair to them and to me.
Please make du'a for me; I'm gonna need it.
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10 comments:
we are all different even if we do look similar. YOU know your parents better than ANYONE of us and I trust your decision.
The answer that person said may be true about someone they know but they don't know you, don't know your personal life, what you have been through, why you feel this way and they definitely don't know your family. Answers as personal as when to tell people you are Muslim (or any other life change) are not a one size fits all (like fatwas).
You are NOT a bad person for hiding it from them, you have a legitimate concern. What would you do if your parents stop helping you? riba loan? where would you live? in shelters? horrible things happen to homeless women (may Allah swt protect all those who are struggling right now, ameen). I know it sounds bad because it deals with money and "money is the root of all evil" (absolutely NOT but that is how people think) and crap. If you were dying in a hospital bed (may Allah swt forbid) and if you told your parents that you were Muslim and they stopped payment would you feel guilty then?
Religious preference is very personal and although your family is great mashaAllah, ultimately you are your own person and therefore need to make decisions with YOU in mind. You are right, your family is indeed concerned for you because most likely they have been exposed to misinformation about Islam and Muslims.
When in doubt pray istikhara prayer for guidance. Never fails.
Assalamo Alaikom...
darling you just said the solution... "When I think about it, they are so against me becoming Muslim because they are worried about me. With all the negative portrayals of Islam and Muslims these days, they probably feel that they are protecting me from harm by opposing my interest in Islam. "..
if you could portray Islam as something peaceful and harmless and that people are different in every place and according to who are they with... then you might calm your parents down..
i know it's difficult.. you're not lacking integrity and respect... perhaps if there's a tiny mistake you ever done it might be because you hidden your Islam because of school payments.. other than that, you're doing your best. don't go so hard on yourself.. Allah will enlighten you with proper solutions inshaAllah...
and who knows, perhaps you will be the reason -one day- to make your parents convert!!!
i love you :).. take good care of yourself..
salam..
I know what you're talking about (I commented too) and really, don't worry about it. YOU know what's best for you. This particular person often comments with insulting things (much worse than what she said about you) so don't take what she said to heart sis, you know you and you know your situation. Allah will lead you to the right decision, take your time!
And Tuttie is absolutely right, your parents are supporting you and if they stopped that I am sure it would place a lot of hardships on you. I understand that it is so hard for you to keep it from them, but if you truly fear that they would stop financially supporting you then I do think you have a good reason to give it time. And remember that you've never said that you won't tell them, all you've said on here is that inshaAllah when the time is right you will. And I 100% believe that.
You are such a good Muslim mashaAllah, don't listen to those who have personal agendas that they want to spread. May Allah always keep you in his grace, ameen.
Salam aleikum Banana Anne and everyone else,
believe I do know how you feel. I have to reveal that I'm one of those "closeted" Muslims as well.. My parents don't pay for my school (I graduated already nearly five years ago) but they take care of me and our child at the times when my husband can't do so. It's really a difficult situation, so I have deep sympathies for you. Wishing you well, sister!
I don't know if I can really say anything other that what others did. I give everyone a big "ditto!"
i didn't tell my family right away either. in fact, most of my extended family still doesn't know. take your time and inshaAllah you will know what to do :)
salamo aleikom wr wb
yeah, i was a "closet muslim" for 2 years in Portugal... but because i was 14 when i converted. i only started really practicing Islam at 16 and that's when all the problems started. i felt i couldn't hide my faith anymore and that my Islam had to be announced. well, it went good at first but my family is not the kind of "other religions are allowed" family. they seriously have some problem when it comes to something different, especially Islam. so much so that i was patient with the psychologists they sent me to and the humilliation on the streets my dad would do and all the screaming and yelling. you must imagine i was quite under pressure. they forbid me to pray and they wanted to force me to eat pork. so i started praying hidden and gave the pork to the dog. every single morning i would go to school with my hijab, there was always some threatening. the last drop was when i got up to pray at night and they were discussing in the living room that they should send me to a hospital. so, i just asked Allah to help me and put my trust in Him. i'm in Egypt now and i got married and i'm having the peaceful life i needed, alhamdulilah. and my family now regrets for what they had done and my grandpa came to assist my marriage. everything's ok now. inshaAllah, they just have to come to Egypt to see for themselves that my life is not miserable just because i wear niqaab. Allah will always find a way for those who believe in Him and trust in His plans. so, be firm in your belief and Allah will help you after all you go through.
about the school paying, i don't think your parents would do something like that, but if they do, Allah is the Only One Who can help you anyway.
Hugs
Salam
Regardless of your reasons for being a closet muslim, no one has the right to judge you or your actions but Allah (swt). I agree with an earlier commenter- you know your parents better than anyone. If it will be better right now for them to not know, then maybe it is for the best that you keep being a muslim to yourself.
If and/or when you decide to tell your parents, just try the gentlest approach possible. Highlight the positive changes you've made, and also let them know how long you've been practicing. This will help them see that you are still the daughter they've loved and raised, and that you still love and respect them.
May Allah (swt) guide you to the right decision and help your parents understand your faith. Ameen.
I agree with the others' comments. Allah is the only one with the right to judge you. And you are the one who knows your circumstances and so you are the best person to know when you need to tell them. As a closet Muslim myself, I have faced the same crap from people, but it's really not about them.
@ellen557,
I 200% agree with you.
ANNE, please follow what ellen has guided you to face the situation.
May allah help you lead a peaceful life here and grant jannah here after for your efforts sister.
massalama,
sister,
accidentally(say it as coincident) i just read the following post by a jewish convert,. i think u all know her very well.
she has posted the following in the year of 2006 .i think this post may help u a lot.
SHE SAYS:......I became a Muslim, Alhamdulillah, in 1998. As I studied and learned more about my new religion, my heart swelled with gratitude for being led to Islam. At the same time, I entered a grief process. I was keenly aware that my choice to come to Islam meant shedding my old life, and starting a new one. Territory that was completely uncharted. It was frightening and exciting at the same time.
It started with my family's negative reaction to my re-version. Becoming a Muslim also meant changing the way I dressed in public: no more sleeveless dresses, no more hairstyles, no more flashy jewelry, no more nail polish. I exchanged these things for hijab, and now nothing shows of me in public other than my face and hands. My diet changed. The decor of my house changed. Just a few of many, many changes. Don't get me wrong, I do all of this for Allah (swt), and it is my choice, but it has been a process.
But the single most difficult part of the grief process was giving up non-Muslim holidays. Not only the Christian and Jewish holidays, but also the secular ones: New Year's Eve, my birthday, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving ... and my favorite of them all, April Fool's Day! The only holidays celebrated by Muslims are the the two Eids.
Ramadan and the two Eids exacerbated my grief process more than anything else. Why? Because I miss my family. Family is a crucial aspect of Islam. I miss the big get togethers. Like many reverts to Islam, I don't have Muslim family.
But in Islam, I have learned that no special day is needed to express love for my husband. Every day in our marriage can be Valentine's Day. Likewise, every day is an opportunity for Thanksgiving, or more appropriately, giving thanks, expressing my gratitude to Allah (swt) for the countless blessings in my life.
HER BLOG : http://www.shaalom2salaam.com/search?updated-min=2006-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-05%3A00&updated-max=2007-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-05%3A00&max-results=13
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