Who I am...and am not

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu everyone!

Yes, I know, it's been like three months since I've blogged. At this point I'm hoping that my readers aren't expecting a weekly update from me. I want my posts to be interesting and insightful, and unfortunately I'm not creative or thoughtful enough to pump something out as often as I'd like. Blah. :(

Anyways, as a sociology major, I think a lot about identity issues that people have. Humans naturally like to put things in categories, and identity (or categorizing ourselves) is essential to who we are; if we didn't have them, then a huge part of our humanity would be lost. I often think about what exactly I identify as. I think it's very important to know who you are, and who you're not, so that you can have peace of mind and not be easily swayed into things that just don't fit you.

WHO I AM

-I am a Muslim. I believe in "La ilaha illa ALLAH, Muhammadur rasul ALLAH". I have a lot (and I mean a lot) of work to do in becoming the best Muslim that I can be, but for now I follow the five pillars, observe hijab, eat halal, and try to increase my Islamic knowledge, especially of the Qur'an.

-I am not a Qur'an-alone Muslim, but I believe that the Qur'an should be the first and foremost guide to my life. The hadiths and sunnah are obviously important too and should also be followed, but to me nothing trumps the Qur'an, a truly amazing Book. (Nikki from "Striving to be the Best Me" came up with a great term: "Qur'an-First Muslim").

-I am American. I do not agree with many things that the American government does, but I am extremely happy to be living here and would honestly not want to live anywhere else (except maybe Canada). And yes, to all the haters out there (on both sides), it is possible to be Muslim and American.

-I am white. My people have a long, long history of doing some awful things to people of color, which I'm definitely not proud of. I know that I have A LOT of privilege as a white person that so many other people don't have. But I can't change my skin color and ethnic heritage, so I am happy with the skin I'm in (as everyone should be), and Insha'Allah being aware of my "white privilege" will help me work to make sure that it stops being a privilege to have white skin.

-I like rude, crude, politically incorrect humor. I think fart and poop jokes are freaking hilarious. Shows like "The Boondocks" and "American Dad" are my favorites.

-I am a sociology major and a religion minor. It wasn't until college that I realized just how much I love these subjects. Insha'Allah I want to spend the rest of my life learning them.

-My favorite sociology/religion topic is the sociology of Hasidic/Haredi Jews. I have been fascinated with Judaism, especially Orthodox Judaism, for years, and I am always thirsty for more knowledge about the lives and customs of ultra-Orthodox Jews. Insha'Allah I'm going to grad school next year for a sociology Ph.D, and I am seriously considering focusing my research on the Chabad Lubavitch movement or Satmar Hasidim in Brooklyn and Kiryas Joel, New York.

-I am an extremely loyal friend, and I would, seriously, do anything (halal) for them.

WHO I AM NOT

-I am not Arab, Desi, black, or southeast Asian. I am a white American, and I am not giving up my culture, name, or anything else Islam doesn't ask me to. I am perfectly happy with who I am now, and I will not change myself to fit into a new culture because this culture is supposedly "more Islamic".

-I am NOT a piece of candy, a pearl, jewels, or any inanimate object. Women are human beings, not things, and it makes me so angry to see supposedly "Islamic" advertisements that compare women to precious jewels (or even worse, women who don't wear hijab as unwrapped candy or whores that are for sure going to hell). It's incredibly disrespectful to compare women to objects, and it goes against the whole idea that these people are trying to promote (that women should be respected).

-I am not a better Muslim because I happen to wear a khimar and jilbab. It's just something I chose to do because I believe it's what ALLAH said in the Qur'an. It does not make me more pious, more modest, or a better person. Period.

-I am not a "feminazi", but I am also not one who will let a man push me around. When I get married Insha'Allah, I will follow the Qur'anic verse that says that we are garments for one another, and I expect my husband to do the same. I will treat him with the respect he deserves, and he must give me the respect I deserve. None of this whole "you must do EVERYTHING your husband says without question even if he is hurtful or violent" nonsense. If he's a jerk, doesn't give me my rights, or is abusive, I'm outta there.

So there. :)

Avoiding my paper due in 26 hours...

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu everyone!

I saw this over at Umm Aaminah's blog and decided to repost it. I love doing stuff like this; it's a great way to get to know people.


If I were a month, I’d be November.

If I were a day of the week, I’d be Wednesday.

If I were a time of day, I’d be 9 p.m.

If I were a planet, I’d be Uranus. (tee hee, I had to do it)

If I were an animal, I’d be an armadillo.

If I were a direction, I’d be North.

If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a soft, squishy bed.

If I were a liquid, I’d be peppermint tea.

If I were a gemstone, I’d be a ruby.

If I were a tree, I’d be a cherry tree.

If I were a tool, I’d be a needle.

If I were a flower, I’d be a tulip.

If I were a kind of weather, I’d be a cold but sunny day in January.

If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a clarinet.

If I were a color, I’d be brown.

If I were an emotion, I’d be mellow.

If I were a fruit, I’d be a peach.

If I were a sound, I’d be a singing bird.

If I were an element, I’d be silicon.

If I were a car, I'd be a Volvo station wagon. :)

If I were a food, I’d be a roast chicken.

If I were a place, I’d be Minnesota.

If I were a material, I’d be corduroy.

If I were a taste, I’d be sweet.

If I were a scent, I’d smell like pine trees.

If I were an item of clothing, I’d be my favorite denim skirt (same as Umm Aaminah).

If I were a body part, I’d be an eye.

If I were a facial expression, I’d be neutral.

If I were a song, I’d be something classic by James Taylor.

If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be a pair of Mary Janes.

My clothing style

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu everyone!

I've been meaning to do this post for a while, but until just recently I didn't know how to post photos on the blog (technology fail on my part, lol). Now that I discovered it, a whole new world of posting has opened up! Since I love talking about clothes so much, I figured that it would be appropriate to inaugurate the use of photos with a collection of my favorite outfits that I wear on a regular basis.

As I've mentioned before, I try to observe hijab and jilbab to the best of my ability. I wear almost exclusively two-piece al-Amira khimars since they're the easiest to put on, and I always make sure that they're covering my chest like the Qur'an instructs (most of my khimars are at least elbow-length). I consider "jilbab" to be any type of overgarment with a layer of clothes underneath. While traditional abayas and jilbabs certainly fit this requirement, I also wear long skirt/shirt combos, long dresses with sweaters, even long trenchcoats. My standard "underclothes" are a long sleeved shirt and knit pants or jeans, although in the summer I'd wear leggings or linen pants.

My clothing style has always been really simple and classic. I remember in elementary school and middle school, my standard outfit was a pair of boot-cut jeans, a Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and sneakers. Give me solid colors, stripes, plaid, or maybe subtle floral prints in neutral colors (browns, oranges, greens, and purples are my favorite, but I tend to avoid wearing black because it makes me look drab, and I don't want to give off the image that "Muslim women must only wear black clothes"). My favorite fabrics are cotton, denim, linen, and corduroy; forget the satiny, shiny fabric with gold flecks and rhinestones on it. My favorite non-Islamic clothing stores are Eddie Bauer, Old Navy, Gap, Land's End, and L.L. Bean, all known for carrying classic, conservative styles that don't go out of fashion. Shukr definitely tops the list for my favorite Islamic clothing stores (everything there is my style, and I would buy out the whole store if I could), but it's so expensive that I can only afford to splurge there occasionally. I mostly get my jilbabs and hijabs from the store in my masjid or at a Somali-run store down the street from the masjid.

If anyone is interested, I'd love to see what other bloggers like wearing Insha'Allah (online pictures would be great too if you don't want to post your actual pictures). Enjoy a virtual rummage through my closet! I apologize for the poor picture quality; the lighting in my room is horrible and I have an old camera. And pardon my messy room in the background! (Captions are below the picture)



This is one of the djellabas I bought while I was in Morocco. It's dark blue with light blue and pink stitching, and blue and pink knotted buttons going up the front; there's a hood in the back. I love Moroccan-style djellabas; they're comfortable, loosely cut for a modest fit, they come in every color and pattern under the sun, and they have slits in the sides so you can reach into your pockets in the clothes underneath the djellaba! I'm wearing it with a bright blue two-piece khimar.




Here's a denim skirt with a striped, pocketed top and a black undershirt. I love this outfit because it's so casual-comfy. I'm wearing a black khimar with it to kind of break up the all-blue look.




This is the first jilbab I ever bought, a really plain brown one with pockets from EastEssence.com for only $20. An oldie but a goodie. :) I'm wearing it with my favorite khimar, a two-piece grey one.




I found this skirt at Gap last year and snatched it up like it was going to vanish right before me. I love plaid, I love orange, and I love long skirts, so this was like a dream come true. :) I paired it with a brown sweater, a bright orange top, and a burnt orange two-piece khimar.




Here's my beloved navy blue corduroy jilbab from Shukr with my favorite khimar. I had wanted a corduroy jilbab for a long time, and they're not easy to find, so when I finally saw one at Shukr I gave in and splurged on it. I bought it for Eid al-Adha and when I got it it was way too big/long, and because I was strapped for time I just taped the bottom of it with shoddy wall tape. Yes, the tape is still there. :)




This is another one of my favorites, a purple jilbab with my grey khimar. I was so excited to find it because it's solid-colored, not black, a nice baggy cut, and no decorations, an ideal style for me. This was my jilbab for Eid al-Fitr.




This is another djellaba I bought in Morocco. This one is a much lighter fabric (linen I think?), so more suitable for summer. It's tan with dark brown embroidery and buttons, matched with a dark brown khimar. I can't wait to pull it out for the summer Insha'Allah, but because there's a small slit up the front it definitely needs to be worn with pants.




Here's a shout-out to Umm Ibrahim; I'm wearing the grey manteau and blue maghneh she picked up for me in Iran! Masha'Allah, I absolutely love Persian fashion, so when I found out Umm Ibrahim was taking orders for clothes when she went to Iran over the summer, I freaked out. The maghneh style is very similar to the al-Amira khimars I wear, although it tends to look a bit more put together and more formal. Manteaus are essentially long shirts/jackets that are part of the required hijab for women in Iran. I personally prefer the manteaus from the post-Islamic Revolution time in the 1980s (calf-length, straight cut, neutral colors), but Umm Ibrahim said these were nearly impossible to find nowadays. She picked up this number for me, and Masha'Allah I love it! The fabric is surprisingly light, so it will be great for summer insha'Allah. Manteaus are normally worn buttoned up, but unfortunately it's a little tight on me, so I need to keep it open. I paired it with a white undershirt and a light, summerweight black skirt.






Given my love of Persian clothes, I have looked far and wide for a chador-style garment. I finally found one in a little store near my parent's house. It's really an overhead abaya from Saudi Arabia, but for now it's as close to a chador as I'm going to get (although I'm trying to order a chador-e-melli, a sleeved chador, from Umm Ibrahim Insha'Allah!) Normally I don't like wearing all-black, but because you can wear a colorful khimar/jilbab underneath it makes it look less drab. I've only worn this once, on Laylat al-Qadr, because as beautiful as it is I find it too impractical for everyday wear (no sleeves, it drags on the ground a bit, and the part that rests on the head slips around). Insha'Allah if I obtain a chador-e-melli I'll be more inclined to wear it more often.

Yay clothes, Alhamdulillah!

Sorry everyone, back to my old URL

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu everyone!

So I noticed that a lot of my more recent posts hadn't been getting any comments from my old readers, and I realized it's probably because they were still following my old URL and therefore weren't getting any updates. So I've switched back to my old URL (thisisnotclever.blogspot.com) so that Insha'Allah you won't think that I randomly disappeared. :)

It's been a long time, and some interesting things have occurred since I last wrote. Unfortunately, my OCD/depression is still pretty severe, but Alhamdulillah for the past few days it's gotten markedly better. And Alhamdulillah, I am still a practicing Muslim. :D It's been a big jihad, for sure, and it's still not gone yet, but Insha'Allah it will be completely gone soon and I will return to being the Anne that I know and love. Please continue to make du'a for me that I make a complete recovery and that I continue to strive to be the best Muslim that I can be Insha'Allah. (If you haven't read the post about my struggle, take a look at it; it was written during the worst of it.)

Also, you all finally get a glimpse of what I look like! I finally switched my profile picture from the Canada geese in the snow-covered field to me drinking a glass of freshly-squeezed orange juice in Morocco. Yes, Morocco. Alhamdulillah, in January I went with a bunch of other students from my school for a three-week intensive history/language/religion/sociology class in Rabat. We also travelled to Marrakech, Casablanca, Fes and the Sahara Desert, where I rode a camel and watched Maghrib come in. Subhanallah, despite my illness, I managed to have a fantastic time, and Insha'Allah I will be posting a lot more of my experiences later.

Jazakallah khair to everyone for continuing to read my ramblings!

Hard Times

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu everyone!

My semester finished yesterday Alhamdulillah, and for a while I am FREEEEE to just chill out, watch bad television, do stupid stuff with my friend Tiffanie, and have access to a car. :)

It's been a while since I've posted, and it's been for a couple reasons. First, this semester has been really busy, and unfortunately after finishing my work I decided I'd rather watch "Top Chef" than write a thoughtful blog post.

Secondly, and more seriously, I've been going through some rough personal times. As I've mentioned before, I have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and depression. OCD manifests itself in a lot of different ways, but most people get insinuating, extremely disturbing "bad thoughts" in their minds and feel like the only way they can get rid of them, or prevent something "bad" from happening, is by doing a compulsive behavior. For example, a person might get it in their mind that someone in their family is going to die, and the only way they can prevent this is by washing their hands so many number of times per hour; if they don't carry out this ritual exactly "right", then they have to repeat it or else they feel like they will be responsible for their relative's death. I have had several "types" of OCD, but my main one is called scrupulosity, where the obsessive thoughts and compulsions are related to religion. In the past, I used to be terrified that there would be a plane crash (this was after 9/11), so I felt the need to stop and say a specific prayer every time I heard a plane overhead (and we live right near an airport, so it happened often). I also used to have sexual-related thoughts about religious figures. Alhamdulillah, even though OCD can't be cured, it can be treated with medication and therapy, which is what I've been doing for the past few years.

For years now, I've been doing so much better Alhamdulillah. The medicine was really working, and almost all of my symptoms were gone. I was feeling so good that I decided that maybe I had "grown out" of my OCD and therefore didn't need to take my meds anymore. I went for a few months without taking them, and then suddenly, a few days before Eid al-Adha, OCD came back and knocked me over.

It started out with me having questions about the position of slavery in Islam. I was really upset that it is technically allowed in the Qur'an, despite having limits on it and the fact that it has for the most part died out among Muslims. I read so many different articles about it to try and calm me down, but little helped. This stretched until the day of Eid, and I was really upset that these feelings were ruining the holiday. In the middle of the day, they suddenly went away. I was very happy and ready to enjoy my Eid plans. Later that day, though, right before the big Eid dinner at my school, a humongous wave of doubt flooded me, doubts about ALLAH and whether or not He is real (Astaghfirullah). Seriously, they came out of nowhere. I tried and tried to convince myself that this was nonsense, that I really am a believer, but I just couldn't shake off the doubts. These overwhelming doubts literally consumed me for days on end, to the point where I could barely eat and sleep because I was so upset. These thoughts terrified me; how could I go from being a good Muslim one day to having such thoughts of kufr the next? Alhamdulillah, I didn't give up any of my Islamic duties (prayer, wearing hijab, etc.), but I was getting no benefit from them. The hopelessness and despair I felt were truly dreadful, something I would never, ever wish on anyone. It was so bad that I wished that I would die rather than to have to suffer through this (NOTE: I am NOT suicidal and never have been, and will never consider it. It is prohibited in Islam, and I feel like it doesn't solve any problems and just causes more grief for your loved ones.)

I knew that this was most likely due to my OCD and the fact that I hadn't taken my medication in months (stupid, stupid, stupid). I immediately started taking my meds again and haven't missed a day since. Unfortunately, this medication takes at least three weeks, if not more, before it kicks in, so I had to deal with these awful thoughts for a while. Alhamdulillah, I have gotten much better; I think the medicine is really working. The evil thoughts haven't totally gone away, but they are less frequent, and I am able to distract myself/ignore them better when they do occur.

The thing that was most terrifying was that I thought I was losing my faith. I thought that I would come to the realization that I didn't want to be Muslim anymore and would abandon my life for a new, non-religious one. But despite having these pervasive thoughts, I didn't WANT to be a kafir (not a non-Muslim, but an actual kafir, one who knows the Truth and willingly rejects it). I wanted, and still want, to be a Muslim. I had absolutely no intention of or desire to leave Islam, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I didn't and don't want these terrible doubts, and I would do anything to ensure that I remain faithful forever. I decided that maybe I needed to take another approach to my faith.

There was an article posted on Seeker's Guidance about the need for balancing one's head and heart in Islam. One cannot be a blind follower/only follow their heart, but one also mustn't only rely on what seems logical (following their brains). There are so many things we can't sense because our bodies are limited, and just because we can't sense things doesn't mean they're not there. This is where the heart comes in. I'm not explaining it very well, but the article is lovely and definitely worth reading.

I think it's definitely hard to be a believer, any kind of believer, in this day and age where people demand physical proof of everything. If one can't provide it, it's rejected as being "fake" or "stupid". I never used to fall into this trap, but after my OCD relapse I have unfortunately started thinking like this. In my case, I think it's a combination of waswasa (whispers from Shaytan who is trying to get me to lose faith) and OCD and depression, which are legitimate medical conditions. I think stress adds to it, too; I've been taking final exams the past few days, and the bad thoughts are starting to sprout up again.

Iman is so precious, and so fragile. You may feel like the best believer one day, and completely doubtful the next. I never thought that this would happen since I've always had very strong faith, but it has, and I can't deny it. I read (I think in the Seeker's Guidance article) about a saying (maybe a hadith) that says that iman wears out just like clothing does, and one needs to continuously renew it and ask ALLAH to keep them guided. Be grateful that you have this iman, even if it's just a little bit, and don't forget to nourish it and keep it healthy!

Alhamdulillah, I'm still a Muslim. I'm still praying, still fasting, still wearing hijab, still eating halal, still seeking out knowledge. But I am going through a difficult time, just as many people go through waxing and waning in their faith (although mine is compounded by the OCD and depression). Please make du'a for me that all this blows over as soon as possible. It's definitely a jihad that I'm experiencing, and it's a tough battle. Insha'Allah, this will all be behind me soon and I can take joy in my renewed iman, Ameen!

"O Controller of the hearts, make my heart steadfast in Your Religion."

EID MUBARAK!!!

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu everyone!

I want to wish everyone an Eid Mubarak! Alhamdulillah for these three days, and Insha'Allah you will all experience happiness and joy from it. :)

ALLAHU AKBAR, ALLAHU AKBAR,
LA ILAHA ILLA ALLAH!
ALLAHU AKBAR, ALLAHU AKBAR
WA LILLAHIL HAMD!

ALLAH is the Greatest, ALLAH is the Greatest,
There is no god but ALLAH!
ALLAH is the Greatest, ALLAH is the Greatest,
And all Praise belongs to ALLAH!

Missing in Action: Sorry everyone!

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu everyone!

I apologize for not writing in a while AND going and changing the name and URL on you all; Alhamdulillah I'm doing fine, I don't want you to think I went through some crisis that caused me to drop off the face of the blogging world!

I don't know if any of you have heard of Seekers' Guidance (seekersguidance.org). If you haven't I strongly recommend checking it out; it's a great resource for learning about Sunni Islam. I really like it because you are able to send in questions and have them answered by sheikhs and teachers (the answers are posted on the website for everyone to read and benefit from). Masha'Allah, the answers are always very well-written and thought out with plenty of details and reasons why they answered the way they did; the writing style is also very accessible and not nearly as harsh or condemning as some other fatwa websites. I also love the fact that they have a variety of learned people answering the questions to provide a balance, including female teachers. :)

A while back, I was having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the concept of abrogation in the Qur'an. My understanding of abrogation was that it rendered everything that came before it null and void and must be treated as if it didn't exist. To me, this didn't make sense; after all, I believe that the Qur'an is the perfect Word of ALLAH, so why would there be rulings in the Qur'an that are completely unnecessary? Even more troubling was the fact that I had read in certain places that with the revelation of the "Verse of the Sword" (9:5), all of the ayat related to peace, tolerance, and justice were no longer applicable. This made me very upset because I always believed that Islam was inherently peaceful. This troubled me so much that I decided to ask the learned people at Seekers' Guidance about it to see if they could clarify it for me.

Alhamdulillah, I just found out that they answered my question and posted it on their website. Much to my excitement/relief, I was happy to discover that the "Verse of the Sword" DOES NOT abrogate the peaceful verses, and that abrogation is not as cut-and-dry a topic as I thought. In reality, abrogation does not necessarily mean a complete overturning of an ayah; instead, it is more of a clarification, which is what I suspected in the first place. I read an example from islamawareness.net that illustrated the point quite well. It said:
"Suppose I say that I do not live in Los Angeles. Later I say that I do not live in California. Finally I say, I do not live in the United States of America. This does not imply that these three statements contradict each other. Each statement gives more information than the previous statement. The third statement includes the information contained in the first two statements. Thus, only by saying that I do not live in the United States of America, it is obvious, that I also do not live in California nor New York."
This point can also be seen in the gradual prohibition of alcohol. The first verse regarding alcohol consumption says that its harm outweighs its benefits. The verse revealed later says that one shouldn't approach the prayer while intoxicated. The final verse about alcohol says that its consumption is prohibited in all situations. The last verse is the one to follow, but it doesn't render the verses that came before it invalid. Alcohol's harms still outweighs its benefits, and one is still not allowed to pray while drunk, but the prohibition has been extended further to forbidding all alcohol. The rulings of the "Verse of the Sword" are allowed in certain cases (it was mentioned in conjunction with the Makkans constantly breaking the peace treaties with Muslims and threatening them), but it definitely doesn't command Muslims to go around killing all non-Muslims, because the rules of peace and tolerance are also still in effect (not to mention the fact that right after the Verse of the Sword it commands Muslims to grant asylum to people from among the people they are fighting if they ask for it).

Subhanallah, this answer really put my mind at ease. Islam really is a great religion that strives for peace and does not in any way condone the ugly, horrible violence some Muslims are committing against others. I realized that whenever I have any questions, doubts, or misgivings about Islam, it pretty much always turns out to be a misunderstanding on my part due to learning inaccurate information or not knowing about differing, legitimate opinions on a topic, and not a fault in the religion itself. Subhanallah, Subhanallah, I am so happy to have Islam as my religion. May ALLAH guide each and every one of us to the Straight Path and keep us on the Straight Path, Ameen!

Here's a link to my question and the answer; Masha'Allah it's a very interesting read: http://seekersguidance.org/ans-blog/2010/11/06/clarifications-concerning-abrogation-in-the-quran-and-the-verse-of-the-sword/